Of Pineapples and Carbonated Milk
by Rainbow Colored Blood
Summary: WARNING: This fic contains extremely high levels of crack and insanity. It is recommended that you speak to psychologist or a dermatologist before reading this. We are not responsible for you committing suicide over wanting carbonated milk to exist. ITS NOT HAPPENING PEOPLE. Plz enjoy the story. Also please mind that this is a self insert, meaning random people I know are in this.
1. Chapter 1

The Sexy Fanfic Of Godlyness

CHAPTER !

It was a beautiful morning. Birds were dying at the hand of Nay-Ru-Toe's addiction to crack, boys were being raped by Orochimaru while Orochimaru was raped by Kabuto. All was normal and peaceful….No. Scratch that. All was not peaceful. The Beautiful Villains Task Force Akatsuki were forced to leave their most sexy slumber and enter Tobi's magical playhouse. Everyone say in the their very own beanbag, for unknown reasons Wolfie sat in a jizz covered bean bag. It wasn't even hers. It was goddamn Tobi's. Tobi liked to jerk off in that particular chair. Anyway, Tobi stood in front of a black board and held three bananas and a pineapple with three holes.

"Ok kids! Today I'm gonna teach you how to have sex!" Tobi said in a childish, sultry tone. Tobi threw condom covered pineapples at everyone. "This pineapple represents a women. Notice that it has three holes. ONE. TWO. THREE. Count with me everyone!"

"TOBI! Hurry up and finish this shit. I need to get laid and eat my crack today." Kakuzu heckled oldly.

Tobi, feeling rushed by old wrinkly men, decided to skip the more educational parts of this important lesson. "The first hole on the side is the va-jay-jay. We shove this banana, which represent a dingly dong, into the va-jay-jay." He proceeded to ram the banana into the pineapple. Konan proceed to throw up at this disturbing display of weirdness. She then went into another room to take an hour long cherry colored piss.

"Now if you're feeling like a technophobia freak and are suffering from malnutrition, you may want to do this." Shoving another banana into the hole on the bottom of the pineapple, everyone gasped in horror and proceeded to drink their carbonated milk. Sasori screamed and fainted, while Kisame yelled, "Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you can't put **that** into a w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-woman like that! It's not natural!"

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement, of course they were all dumb and retarded so they didn't know that they were wrong. For whatever reason Tobi was the most sexually experienced of the Akatsuki and the only one to actually have sex. Kakuzu said he does, but nobody cares about him since he's old. So since the Akatsuki are going on a **SPECIAL MISSION** soon, this needed to be changed. Yes even Maya shall go on this mission.

"Now this hole down here is called the poo-poo hole. It's another place to stick you dingly dangly dong of doom. NICOLE!"  
"Oh shit what am I doing?"  
"You are going to squeeze this banana until it explodes inside the pineapple." Tobi placed the banana in the pineapple rectum in Nicole's hand. She looked at it wide eyed and screamed about apocalypses as she squeezed. When the banana exploded she threw it onto Kira and ran away to go take a shower in Kisame's coffin.  
"Now what you just saw was an explosi-"  
"LIKE ART!?"  
"…no. It's not like art at all. It's like the socks you don't use to jerk off."  
Deidara proceeded to run away crying and left to try and kick Nicole out of Kisame's show-offin.

"As I was saying, this explosion makes white stuff come out of the dong."  
Kira raised a retarted hand and asked, "Like ice cream?"  
Tobi gave her an alligator as a reward for being such a good student, "Yep! It even tastes like ice-"  
"FUCKING BULLSHIT!" Hidan got up randomly and threw his carbonated milk down onto the giant mattress that had replaced the floor when no one was looking. He walked up and down the aisles of the classroom, and pulled out another carbonated milk. He shook rapidly near his crotch in a jerking off motion. "THAT'S IT. If anyone makes one jashindamn move I will fucking blow my milk load!"

Nicole, who had been kicked out of the coffin, decided this was the perfect moment to come back with a bowl of Frosted Flakes.  
"HOLD YOUR GODDAMN TITS STILL DAMNIT." Hidan pointed the bottle at her and immediately Wolfie sprung into some form of action that can't really be explained. "Teddy bear I missed you!"

Wolfie waltzed with Itachi on Hidan's head, and once again Hidan was calm. He then sat down and proceeded to read The Ugly Barnacle. It was a long a serious novel about a barnacle that was extremely ugly. Tobi jammed another banana into a third hole on the pineapple in a huge fit of rage. This hole was on the top and everyone briefly died at this ghastly sight.

"EVERYONE. SIT THE LOLLIPOP DOWN." Tobi raged like a penis.

Everyone sat their asses in their desk, because the beanies can randomly change like that.  
"Now this is what some people like to call "lollipop sucking". A woman, this pineapple, would put her chu-chu food train tunnel on the man's ding dong. There are many ways to suck a lollipop." Tobi pulled out a Rasberry tootsie roll pop and stuck it into his eyehole.  
"OH GOD. It's possible to fuck eyes!?" Sasori screamed, and everyone went into a panic. Wolfie threw up and hid behind Sasori, Hidan almost accidently cut off his own wenis, Kakuzu and Nicole just sat there and dropped their spoons into their cereal bowls. Kira had woken up from her nap and walked out of the Akatsuki base entirely, Deidara was picking out his set of clothes for the next day which was really useless since he wore the exact same thing every day.

"Turn to page 1,555,555,555 kids. Can anyone tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?"  
Pein raised his hand. "2000 sir."  
"Wrong."  
"What? What!?" Pein stood up angrily. "No. Fuck you. Not only did I research this, I counted it. I goddamn counted how many licks I took."  
"The answer was 25."  
"BJFDSUCNEGIRCVMDC FUCK YOU."  
Tobi smacked him upside the head with a ruler. "Bitch I'm running this class. Go sit in the corner and think about what you did."

Pein sat in a corner, lonely and sad as everyone threw paper balls at him. He proceeded to give himself plastic surgery, said surgery would be revealed in another chapter though.  
"Ok. Now I want everyone to buddy up. We are going on a field trip! Except for Pein."

Everyone got with a random buddy. Wolfie with Sasori, Kira with Itachi the rapist and Gaara the dead dog, Nicole with Deidara, and Kakuzu with Kisame who was also old as hell. The rest of the buddies would be listed but the author is too lazy.


	2. Chapter 2

The Sexy Fanfic Of Godlyness

CHAPTER

The Akatsuki Jet was currently sailing towards a very special mansion. The mansion was big and suspicious like Zetsu and his delicious cinnamon rolls. So delicious! The jet crash landed in the forest and every came out unscathed. Except for Pein, who was now on a tight leash that was held by Tobi. Pein was forced to walk like a frog and make cow sounds every hour to let everyone know what time it was.  
"RIBBBBIII- OH FUCK!" Pein proceeded to choke on his jolly rancher, but no one really cared.

"Ok kiddos! Guess who we're gonna go see today!" Tobi exclaimed excitedly.  
"Gaara of the Funk?"  
"Kira you are now banned from enjoying this field trip."  
"What the he-"  
Tobi slapped tape over Kira's mouth. He was extremely pissed at her for mentioning Gaara. Oh how he hated that red headed kanji foreheaded bastard for stealing the last goddamn toblerone. It was a disgraceful act that required swift punishment.  
The group walked deep into the desert until a castle poofed right in front of them. They entered the castle through the front door, like a normal ninja would.  
"Hey Guysss!"  
Everyone quickly took their virginities out of their pockets and hid them inside a large safe. Orochimaru came into the foyer where everyone stood. He slid down the stair railing and fell off halfway down. Getting up and fixing his 5 feet heels, he struck a pose and stuck out his tongue in weird and creepy manner that screamed pedophile. Kira, for some reason having a cup of melted marshmallows, smashed the gooey goo all over Orochimaru's heel. The heels proceeded to explode, and Orochimaru was once again at a normal and reasonable height.  
"OMG guys I'm, like, soooooo glad you're here! I got some news!"

Everyone groaned at Orochimaru's valley girl voice and the prospect of hearing about Orochimaru recent pedophilic crime. "I made my childhood friend come to life! His name is….TROGDOR!" A weird ass creature came into the room. I was dragon. No. I mean it was a man. A dragon man! And he breathed fire and was shaped like an S. He had this huge ass muscle arm on the side of his hot body. Wolfie, amazed by this site, began singing "TROGDOR" all over the goddamn room. Orochimaru, in his weird ass gimp outfit, led everyone to the bondage room I MEAN… no wait. I meant bondage room. The bondage room was filled with frilly pink pillows. On one pillow was Sasuke Uchiha. He was eating Tomato Ice Cream while reading Nay-Ru-Toe porn. Looking up he said, "You here to be prostitutes too?"

"How'd you know?!" Tobi replied.  
"Wait what the flipper? We're gonna be prostitutes?" Nicole asked, pulling a bowl of Cinnabon out of her pants.  
"You heard the Chicken ass. I'm selling you to Orocohimaru. You're his bitches now. Oro-sama. Where the hell is my money?" Tobi explained. He locked everyone in the frilly room to go find Orochimaru.  
"So….prostitution?" said Wolfie for some weird reason.  
"Yep." Nicole threw her cereal bowl down in disgust at the pink room. Hidan hula dance behind Wolfie and squeezed her cheeks together from behind. Kisame made his arms go all wavy before crawling under the pillows. He jumped up and shanked Nicole until she promised to make him potato juice later.

The cake however is a lie, therefor there shall be no potato juicery of any kind.

Zetsu proceeded to lead Sasuke into the The Village Hidden in the Pillows. Kabuto entered the room in a purple pimp outfit, and his pimp hat was flamboyant and most importantly sexy. "As my new and exclusive bitches, you must dress like new and exclusive bitches who have just suffered from a seizure and plastic surgery." Kabuto reached into his boxers and pulled out a 2.5 million bill. It was gold, silky, and had worms on it. Deidara snatched the bill and a giant bubble appeared. The bubble picked up Nicole, Wolfie, Kira, Deidara, and most importantly Kisame with some strong ass arms. They were taken to the ChickenAss mall. It was famously known for having only chickens as employees. Deidara squealed and dragged everyone to Victoria Secret. "OKAY BEETCHES. We're about to officially become prostitutes so we're gonna get raped sexed up. GIMME YOUR BREASTS."

Nicole smacked Deidara shitless, and screamed, "There shall be no breast grabbing or feeding of any sort today."  
Deidara cried for a moment and sang a depressing song about vaginas. He then squeezed Nicole's cheeks and said, "You. Are. A. Push Up Bra. It's comfy. And keeps my nonexistent breasts up. Let me do this."

Deidara then gave everyone free llama bras. The llamas would spit sometimes but other than that held everyone's boobs up quite nicely. Kisame then began to start raping things in the mall. He decided to impregnate every chicken employee and throw condoms at them. Nobody knew that Kisame had done this because his father was a chicken that had raped his shark mother. To this day Kisame never forgave that son of a chicken. **NEVER**…

Walking in the giant mall, a dead dog named Gaara lay on the floor. Kira, being the creeper that she is, ran to the dog and just disappeared completely. Everyone began to cry since the believed Kira to have died and become a dead dog. It was a horrible tragedy that no one, not even Itachi the Reaper would ever forget. After a ten minute funeral that involved many crude and inappropriate jokes, everyone went back to the mansion, minus one Kira. Thankfully a Kira clone was available. The clone looked exactly like Naruto with a 'Hello My Name Is Kura' shirt. Everyone immediately thought that after the shopping spree Kira looked a little manlier than normal. No one commented on it because they didn't want Kira to throw disgusting tentacle porn at them. Orochimaru the pizza strolled by in his Free Snickers Van, and offered them a ride to the beautiful wedding that would occur in the next chapter. He rambled on about how sexy the 13 year olds on PlayKid magazine looked this year and how he was gonna rape Kiba Inuzuka tomorrow.

ONWARD MY FRIENDS. THE NEXT CHAPTER AWAITS YOU.


End file.
